I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
