just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
