The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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