my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
