Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
