My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
