You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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