You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
