im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
NoShamevember. You game?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
