Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
