Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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