One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
