I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
