Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
