I'm really into asian looking animals
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
