Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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