I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
