so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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