from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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