i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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