Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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