I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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