My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
