so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
