WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i drank out of a bidet.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
