just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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