she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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