You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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