explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
