meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Randomize
