I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
