I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
