Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
