Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
