It's like God shit irony all over that family
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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