Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
