he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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