I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize