I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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