I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
