Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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