you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
