i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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