Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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