I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
