totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
