I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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