If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
