the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Randomize
