So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
