your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
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