I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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