So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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