I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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