I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
