So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
