I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
